I’m usually at a loss of what meaningful observance I should do for Lent. Giving up coffee or chocolate or even meat seems more in keeping of good-intentioned New Year’s resolutions that never get accomplished (like mine — getting rid of that long-standing post-pregnancy gut… yeah, right).
But after a sincere and welcoming gift from my household was recently received in an, ah, unexpected fashion, I realized that if I was going to live with any sort of peace, if not for me, then for the sake of my son, then I would have to make peace with some harsh realities. Some people will always love me. Some people will always hate me. And there is nothing — absolutely nothing — I can do to change that.
And so, in order to create peace within myself, I need to pray: in thanksgiving for those who love me, and in well-wishing for those who hate me. I’ve been trying to do this in earnest for the last two years now, but, obviously, I wasn’t serious enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t brave enough.
Well, I need to be. Now. I *never* want Daniel to see me as I was, last weekend. An absolute, panicking wreck of a human being, with clothes half-assedly packed in a too-small suitcase. NEVER. I just thank God in Heaven that he’s still too young to remember anything that happens to him, but those days are quickly coming to an end.
And so these next 40 days will be in deep self-reflection. Haunted by my past, I must strive for a future of peace and happiness, if not for my sake, then for the sake of my family… especially for the sake of one little boy who looks up to me for safety and guidance and love.
This will be hard.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and in the hour of our death.