10/18/07 Update: I have heard, through the Hubby, those who have read this entry, and thought, “Oh, God — pity party.” And, not having them say this directly to my face, I asked him what should I do to respond; and he said it was up to me.
And so, to those who criticize my need to express my raw emotions on my own blog — to those, this “poem” for lack of a better word, is my response to the critical voice in my head, who was screaming at me in the voice of a person whom I made the mistake in believing was a friend many months ago. And this voice was screaming, “You vile bitch! You don’t deserve to be happy! How DARE you be happy! You conniving, manipulative bitch! You should give Daniel up for adoption, the type of mother you are — no mother at all! You deserve to be alone — forsaken, ostracized — the type of wife you are! Who are you kidding? You destroyed people’s lives, destroyed your little boy’s life — you don’t deserve happiness, and I’ll *make* sure you remember that. You don’t know how to change — bitches never change! Like you! How *dare* you…”
And on and on and on… and I couldn’t get up from bed, take care of Daniel, with that screaming voice in me, paralyzing me, as I held little Daniel in my arms in my nightgown, just crying crying crying…
It was 4:47 am — too early to call anybody, to early to do anything but get it out of me — oh God, get this voice out of me, respond, say something, do something…
So I wrote this on my blog, so I could function again. Because I’m a writer. Because it’s part of who I am, part of what keeps me sane.
So I wrote.
And those who read this and judged me had no fucking clue what I was writing about.
So now they know.
This is running through my head this early morning, like an evil mantra… and I need to get this out… so I may as well get this out here…
“You Have Given Up on Me”
You have given up on me.
For the bad things I’ve done
For the bad things I’ve said
For the bad things I’ve written
For the bad things I’ve thought
These bad things in the past… for these
You have given up on me.
And any good I’ve done
And any good I’ve said
And any good I’ve written
And any good I’ve thought
You have erased,
My bad supplanting my good in the past.
Even my contrition, my penance, my sorrow,
You hold in suspect.
Because any good I do or will do
And any good I say or will say
And any good I write or will write
And any good I think or will think
These present and future things…
They don’t matter.
For you have given up on me,
As if I have never existed.
Baby crying… must go now…