172 BPM

I heard the Tadpole’s heartbeat today.

The second monthly prenatal exam was short: urine sample, weight check (I lost two pounds since last month — blame it on nausea), blood pressure check, height of uterus check, and fetal heartbeat check.

Sometimes, this whole pregnancy thing doesn’t seem real; I guess being in the first trimester will do that.  I don’t look obviously pregnant — just thick in the waist.  Body changes are happening, but they’re subtle: Aches and tenderness here and there.  Boobs prepping to be functional instead of just being there.  That thickening waist.  And the symptoms — since I haven’t been violently puking — have been subtle as well:  Having the munchies all the time,which, if not satisfied, brings on nausea.  Occasional shortness of breath, mostly in the evenings.  The afternoon tiredness, post-work, that makes me nap for 2-3 hours at a stretch, if I succumb to it.  Moodiness.

Very subtle.  And, as a result, I still feel like I’m either not pregnant at all — because I can’t *feel* a baby in me — or that this pregnancy may not last, because if a miscarriage were to happen, it would commonly be in the first trimester or early in the second.

But then I heard the strong, fast heartbeat — boom, boom, boom, boom, boom — coming from my lower abdomen, between my belly button and my pubic bone.  Alive.  It’s the sound of something alive in me, something that isn’t me, but is part of me.  It’s at 11 weeks, and the ob-gyn’s adjusted the due date to October 3.  It’s alive, and in a few weeks, I *will* feel how alive this little one is.

Every visit to the doctor is a shot in the arm of euphoric hope.  Biologically, I am 35 years old, and that number often makes me fear, makes me not want to hope too much.

172 beats per minute.

The little one makes me hope.

About lizardqueen

If single-mothering were a paid job, I'd be rich. However, it doesn't, so I write (which doesn't pay the bills) and teach (which does). I'm overly-educated in the liberal arts, but that doesn't hinder my ability to be pragmatic and realistic. YAY.
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2 Responses to 172 BPM

  1. Kiki says:

    I remember every second of hearing the heartbeat for the 1st time.
    Lauki was as paranoid as can be during the whole thing. And I will put Laura’s worry genes against yours any day of the week my friend.

    Just relax and let things move at their own pace. Sounds like you’re doing well by keeping busy.

  2. James says:

    My Dear……

    It gets real pretty quick, believe me.

    Before the child gets there, you cannot imagine what it will be like to live with that child. After the child gets there, you cannot imagine the world without having that child there. That goes for all of them.

    I have complained from time to time as a parent, but really I would not wish them away or the experiences of raising them, even if I could do so. You and your significant other are going to be GREAT parents, and I have absolutely no doubts about that whatsoever. This is one of those things in life that you cannot anticipate, plan out or really control, but you live the experience day by day and year by year.

    This person within you will be a part of you for the rest of your life. Please trust, and do not be afraid. If God has willed this person into your life, then that is what is going to happen.

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